A note to the Past

'We are just misguided ghosts, travelling endlessly. The ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away..'

I saw you, Past. Standing there, with your friends, completely oblivious to my presence. Why wouldn't you be? It's been years since we've seen each other, possibly years since you've even thought of me. You looked exactly the same as I remember, but completely different at the same time. I could see where a little bit of who I was then rubbed off on you. I like that, in some small, barely noticable way, you still have something from me with you.

I went home with tears in my eyes after seeing your face, Past. I hate myself for letting you have such an impact on me, still, after all this time and all the promises I've made to myself that I'm 'over it'. I'm not over it.

I think we could have been really good friends, Past. Not sisters anymore, no, but friends definitely. Remember how we made each other laugh, teased each other (ironically, about our music..you listen to my music now, watch the things I would have watched, read what I would have read..), and most importantly, how we braved the awful times together. Maybe there's just too much bad history there for you. Maybe seeing me would dredge it all back.

I hope you don't think like me, Past. I honestly hope what happened doesn't haunt you, doesn't have the power to make you cry in the dead of night. I hope that, just when you think you're doing fine, you've buried it, something doesn't come along and trip you up. I'm glad you didn't see my face. I'm glad you weren't the one who had to catch her tears amid strangers. Despite the time that's passed, I still feel far too much for you to want that.

I miss you, Past. But please, in future, could you stay there? I can't deal with facing you again.

I'm just a ghost

Days like this..

..are just full of win!

Daisies

'At evening when I go to bed
I see the stars shine overhead;
They are the little daisies white
That dot the meadows of the night

And often while I'm dreaming so,
Across the sky the moon will go!
It is a lady sweet and fair,
Who comes to gather daisies there;

For when at morning I arise,
There's not a star left in the skies;
She's picked them all and dropped them down
Into the meadows of the town'

Dreams of the dark..

I keep dreaming that there are things, possessions, that I've left in the old place. Now, I know there are some things there that I've forgotten, but none of which can't be replaced. (I can't go back to it, so retrieving them isn't an option..). I don't miss them. I figure that if it wasn't important enough to remember in the first place, then it wasn't important enough to miss now.

But I keep having this dream that I'm back there, gone to get something that I left. And while I'm there, I find more and more things that I didn't know I hadn't brought with me. Silly as it is, when I wake up, I find that for just a few seconds, I want to be back in the old place, with nothing forgotten or missed.

What's that about? I was (and AM) so happy to be rid of that old place, that old neighbourhood and most importantly, the old memories. Why am I suddenly missing it now? Are the dreams purely random, coincidental and meaningless? Or, subconciously, am I telling myself that maybe I'm not as happy to be rid of it as I thought I was? I sincerely hope it's the former because the thought of having to go back to some of the memories left in the old place makes me want to weep.

I'm the type of person who believes that the past belongs in the past. Sure, revisit it every so often, that's fair enough, it's healthy to do that. I like to keep mine locked away in a little mental box, rarely opened, only occasionally sifted through. So, why now, when I so want to look forward, are my dreams forcing me to look back?

I don't like it..not one little bit.