Thursday, 25 March 2010

Knife edge..

People think I'm not the worrying type. By 'people', I mean my family, the ones that should know me best. They think I'm so laid back I'm almost horizontal, and I don't get worked up over things.

They're wrong. I just keep it to myself sometimes. Sometimes I can't, and it leads to episodes, with me freaking out and falling apart and needing to be put back together again.

I worry. I worry a lot, about a lot of things. At the moment though, what's at the front of my mind, is my mother. Tomorrow, she goes into hospital for surgery, on her throat. I'm ridiculously worried about her (not that she knows, or if she does, she doesn't acknowledge's just not how we do things).

I'm trying to convince myself NOT to worry, that surely it's better for her to get this surgery NOW than further down the line when it could be worse, when it might be more painful or more difficult. That it's a good thing. That it'll make her better.

But it's SURGERY. In my head, it's big. I'm lucky in that I've never had to really deal with illness in my family. That's not that there has never been illness in my family but I was younger and didn't have to deal with it because I really didn't understand what was happening. Now, I do, all too much. I've never had to deal with proper, serious surgery though. It terrifies me, if I'm honest.

It's not just the seriousness of surgery that scares me, it's the person who's having it. My mother. It's no secret that my mother is my rock, my stability when anything and everything else is shaky or falling apart. I would be ill and go to hospital and have surgery or whatever ten times, a million times over, just so she wouldn't have to do it once. I'd rather take the risk of surgery than have her even have to contemplate it. I can deal with the thoughts of myself being seriously ill far easier than having to deal with her being ill. (I'm aware that there's something oddly selfish about that but hey, it's how I feel.)

I'd really like to just fast forward to a month from now, when, all going well (and all HAS to go well, it really just HAS to), she'll be home, and recovered, almost, if not completely, and everything can go back to normal, but with her well, and my biggest complaint being work again.

I'm not the religious type, so I'll be sending all my positive vibes to her. If you're the praying kind, please, keep her in your prayers. If you're not, then please, just even spare a positive thought for her, if you remember.