Friday, 28 May 2010

Hugely insignificant

I lied.

I'm not the same person I was this time last year, not even close. Speaking to a new friend, very candidly, and openly, last night, made me realise this. wasn't even so much the speaking, or even the subject, but simply the fact that I COULD speak about things, so easily and without doubt. This time last year, I couldn't have done that. I may have wanted to, and I may very well have needed to, but I wouldn't have.

The walls that I thought would rebuild themselves when I had nobody there anymore to break them and keep them down, are still, surprisingly, nowhere to be seen. I'm still not an open book, but I'm not bound as tightly.

I feel more at ease with myself. If I feel like crap, I'll let myself. In the same respect, if I feel awesome, that's ok too. Such a small thing to come to terms with, but it's taken me 21 years to get to it. Huge insignificant changes like that.

I lied.

I'm not the same person I was this time last year.

I'm better.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Unanswered Promises

Very little hurts as much as a broken promise. From someone else. From yourself. I made my promises, and I meant my promises. But now, I fear I just cannot keep my promises.

I made them mostly to myself, and I lived for them during the worst times. They were my motivation, they were the reason I made myself get out of bed in the morning, and function, as well as I could. But what do you do when you realise that you were possibly lying to yourself? That, as great as it sounded, what you were trying to do just wasn't as easy as you thought it would be, maybe not even as possible as you'd hoped it would be.

How do you build a new relationship from the broken foundations of the old one?

And, hand in hand with the promises that I fear I'm breaking, are all the questions that I can't ask. Questions that I don't want the answers to, because they won't be the ones I want to hear. Questions that don't need to be asked, because in asking them, old wounds are reopened.

It's the questions that do the damage. Answered, and unasked.

I don't know what the point of this post is, really. More half healing hearted ramblings I suppose.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Balancing act

Monday, 10th of May, 2010. The day when I stood between Life and Death, and finally, chose Life.

Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it really wasn't. I'm not the first, and I certainly wont be the last person to walk along that thin line between the two, and on a different day, I may have made a different decision.

I'm conflicted as to whether publishing this on my blog is a good idea. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't, that putting just how low, and how desperate I let myself feel out there is just showing a really weak part of myself that I don't want people to know about. Like I've said before, I'm supposed to be tough, I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to get over life's knocks, and keep on smiling throughout. I always have done before.

The other part of me is, in a strange way, proud of myself. I said no. Admittedly, only to myself, and there was nobody around to see it, but in my most desperate moment, when the world was only dark and cold, when I felt like I'd been rejected by everyone around me (and believe me, looking back now with different eyes, I know I hadn't, but I wasn't seeing clearly then), I still chose Life. When escape from the feelings I was having, those seemingly inescapable feelings, was just a few quick flicks of the wrist away, and I could see it, in my mind, how easy it would be, compared to how difficult going on would be, I still said no.

It's not much to be proud of. Staying, and dealing with myself, by myself, instead of taking the 'easy' option, and letting my loved ones deal with the aftermath. It's not much.

Strangely, since that day, the day when Nothing happened, I've gotten a lot more of myself back. The girl who I used to be, before the end, and before the beginning, is coming back. I let myself change over the year. I'm taking the blame fully, I changed, and it was my own doing. But now, I think I'm more like the girl I was this time last year. A year older, yes, and definitely a few years wiser.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Dream Journal - Entry #1

So, I've decided to start a dream journal, and the most natural place to do it seemed to be here, where I'm least likely to lose it, and where, hopefully, someone who knows something about dreams and how to analyse them MAY see it and shed some light on the mixed up visions in my head.

So, dream number one occurred the night of May 5th, 2010.

I'm in this big bargain shop, and I'm buying a toothbrush (which for some reason I try before buying, gross) and I'm looking for toothpaste, but they're charging like 16e for it so I refuse to buy it. There's a mirror that catches my eye, so I pick it up, bring it to the cashier, and despite it being marked 16.99e, he tries to charge me 60e for it. So I argue with him that he has to sell it at the price shown, regardless of value, he agrees, I happily take my purchases out to my car.

(I don't drive, so the fact that I have a car is strange. Explained by my desire to learn HOW to drive though)

So, I'm on the phone to someone who was very close to me once upon a time but isn't so close these days, but in the dream we still are. They're in my apartment, and I'm driving home to them. The store where I was shopping is, in reality, only about a five minute drive from my home. But for some reason, this drive was never ending. No matter how far I drove, I was not getting any closer to my home, or to this person.

As the dream progressed, I came to realise that for some reason, even though I was driving, and in the dream I was aware of how good at it I was, my gear stick was in the wrong place. On the wrong side. Which was how I came to realise that I was in the passenger seat of my car, driving along but not getting anywhere.

This is where the dream ends. I'm not a bit confused by it, more perplexed. I know the whole driving to someone but never getting any closer is how I feel in my relationship with someone right now, and, as easily as I could, I'm not getting into how I know this here. This blog has sadly ceased to be a place for COMPLETE honesty and openness.
The 'driving but in the passenger seat' to me reflects on how I've been feeling towards life lately, in the sense that I'm living for everyone but myself. It's hard for me to explain that theory, but it makes sense to me.

Anyway..I don't need any help in analysing this dream, because it makes a ridiculous amount of sense to me. I don't like it, and I don't like that I'm having dreams involving the subject, and any theories or advice on how to stop it would be very welcome!

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Who's life is it anyway?

A thought struck me last night as I was on the way home from a night out with a close friend. It’s been with me since, and try as I might, I can’t shake it.

I’ve become increasingly aware that I live my life for the other people that are in it. I’m almost certain I’m not the only person to do this, but since I don’t want to presume, or generalise, I’m thinking about it in the first person, specifically.

Anything I do, or try, or think about, I apply to others. I want to do a dressmaking course, and while yes, partly, I want to do it so I can make lovely, pretty things for myself, the motivation behind it is making things for other people, so they can say ‘oh yeah, so and so made this, isn’t it great?’ and also just so I can say that I’ve done it, and wait for other’s reactions. This isn’t the only example of specific things, but I don’t have the inclination to list them all. It’s not narcicism on my part either, I think it’s a constant search for validation.

But it’s not just specific times in my life that I’ve found myself doing this. It’s how I live in general. I’m the type of person who likes, almost needs, to have someone else to revolve around, and to base my life around. It’s entirely unhealthy, unfair to myself, and unfair to whoever I find to act this way with. Because, unfortunately, life is unpredictable, and we can never know what’s around the next corner. So in the blink of an eye, the person or people you choose to revolve around are gone, and then where are you?

The frustrating part to this is, now that I’ve fully realised that this is how I am, what do I do to change it? How do you change a fundamental part of yourself? I’ve heard everything that can be said about it, I’ve said them all myself, and it makes for a great little speech, but how do you make yourself believe what you’re saying?

I’ve said it to people who’ve expressed the same kind of problem to me. I was very certain that the only way to live is to live for yourself, because surely if you can’t be happy by yourself, and with yourself, then you can’t fully be happy with anyone else because you’re depending on them to be your happiness, which is a terrible way to be because if and when that person leaves, as they are likely to do, then you’re back to the beginning and unhappy by, and with yourself again.
I know what I need to do is start doing things for myself, seeing the benefit things might have for ME and me only, and not for others. Not selfishly, if things I do benefit others in some roundabout way , then even better, but it shouldn’t be my only motivation.

But again, I have to ask. How do you do that?

How do I figure out how to live for myself?

Because, really, what’s the point otherwise