Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Balancing act

Monday, 10th of May, 2010. The day when I stood between Life and Death, and finally, chose Life.

Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it really wasn't. I'm not the first, and I certainly wont be the last person to walk along that thin line between the two, and on a different day, I may have made a different decision.

I'm conflicted as to whether publishing this on my blog is a good idea. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't, that putting just how low, and how desperate I let myself feel out there is just showing a really weak part of myself that I don't want people to know about. Like I've said before, I'm supposed to be tough, I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to get over life's knocks, and keep on smiling throughout. I always have done before.

The other part of me is, in a strange way, proud of myself. I said no. Admittedly, only to myself, and there was nobody around to see it, but in my most desperate moment, when the world was only dark and cold, when I felt like I'd been rejected by everyone around me (and believe me, looking back now with different eyes, I know I hadn't, but I wasn't seeing clearly then), I still chose Life. When escape from the feelings I was having, those seemingly inescapable feelings, was just a few quick flicks of the wrist away, and I could see it, in my mind, how easy it would be, compared to how difficult going on would be, I still said no.

It's not much to be proud of. Staying, and dealing with myself, by myself, instead of taking the 'easy' option, and letting my loved ones deal with the aftermath. It's not much.

Strangely, since that day, the day when Nothing happened, I've gotten a lot more of myself back. The girl who I used to be, before the end, and before the beginning, is coming back. I let myself change over the year. I'm taking the blame fully, I changed, and it was my own doing. But now, I think I'm more like the girl I was this time last year. A year older, yes, and definitely a few years wiser.


Aislinn said...

I think you're really brave to post this. Congratulations on being strong enough to make the choice you needed to, for being strong enough to talk about it, and for getting past it.