Thursday, 1 October 2009

Dreams of the dark..

I keep dreaming that there are things, possessions, that I've left in the old place. Now, I know there are some things there that I've forgotten, but none of which can't be replaced. (I can't go back to it, so retrieving them isn't an option..). I don't miss them. I figure that if it wasn't important enough to remember in the first place, then it wasn't important enough to miss now.

But I keep having this dream that I'm back there, gone to get something that I left. And while I'm there, I find more and more things that I didn't know I hadn't brought with me. Silly as it is, when I wake up, I find that for just a few seconds, I want to be back in the old place, with nothing forgotten or missed.

What's that about? I was (and AM) so happy to be rid of that old place, that old neighbourhood and most importantly, the old memories. Why am I suddenly missing it now? Are the dreams purely random, coincidental and meaningless? Or, subconciously, am I telling myself that maybe I'm not as happy to be rid of it as I thought I was? I sincerely hope it's the former because the thought of having to go back to some of the memories left in the old place makes me want to weep.

I'm the type of person who believes that the past belongs in the past. Sure, revisit it every so often, that's fair enough, it's healthy to do that. I like to keep mine locked away in a little mental box, rarely opened, only occasionally sifted through. So, why now, when I so want to look forward, are my dreams forcing me to look back?

I don't like it..not one little bit.


pluincee said...

Perhaps it's not that you're not as happy to be rid of them, but that you're subconsciously afraid that you'll forget or not revisit them for too long and they'll fade and blur too much to be any sort of viable memory...

As you said, it's important to revisit memories from time to time - they are after all what have shaped us into the people we are now - but as painful ones are more difficult to safely (or even to want to) revisit, maybe your brain just wants to keep them salient, for now...

On the other hand, it is possible that it's just a coincidence - leaving where we grew up can be quite traumatic, no matter the circumstances. That trauma can be internally expressed through dreams, in much the same way that someone suffering from PTSD might have a recurring dream about the stressor (not that you have PTSD, at all, it's just a comparison!)

Maybe if you tell yourself you'll let yourself revisit the memories on a regular basis - once a month or every six weeks - the dreams will abate since your subconscious will know you're not abandoning them. As time passes, you could reduce the frequency of the trips down memory lane as you get used to holding the memories, not allowing them to be let go?

It's just a suggestion...