Call it what you want..

A lie is a lie, be it an actual untruth or just the omission of truth. Nobody likes being lied to, by anyone, be it family, friend, mere aquaintance or even a random stranger.

I'm not going to paint myself as whiter than white here, I lie at times myself, I think we all do, sometimes it's just the easiest way. But the easiest way really is not always the best.

I do have a point to this, I promise.

A few months ago, around Easter I think it was, I found out someone very close to me had gotten engaged. La di da, congratulations etc. Or at least you'd think so. Except that the only reason I found out is because this person had put it up on their Facebook page.

I still haven't been officially told. The person in question knows I know, and STILL hasn't contacted me to firstly, apologize, and secondly, tell me in person.

Why should they apologize? Well, I am their daughter, and finding out about a new step-mommy-to-be on Facebook of all places isn't exactly ideal.

I can't honestly say I'm hugely surprised, knowing this person and how they've been ever since I can remember. I'm not even hurt, I'm surprisingly apathetic towards the whole situation. I even wish them the best.

I just hope they let me know in time for the wedding. So I can buy a hat. And stuff.

Wasting time

Have you ever known you're pursuing something that just will not work, or isn't worth it? And, even though you know all that, do you do it anyway, because it's easier than not?

There's a little bit of comfort everytime the phone beeps. No thrill, no heartbeat that catches in your chest. But that comfort is enough to make you pick it up, make you smile a little bit, and with that smile you can fool yourself for a moment, almost make yourself believe that it means a little bit more than it really does.

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe we've all done it at one point or another. Because anyone is better than no-one, after all, right? Someone paying us attention is better than believing that nobody could be bothered.

I don't know what I'm doing. I know how I feel, and I know how I want to feel, and I know that the two aren't the same. I know that it's unfair, but whether it's to myself or someone else, I'm not entirely sure.

And if it's a case of two people getting comfort from each other 'in the meantime' - is it such a bad thing?

Strangers..just a friend you haven't met?

Don't talk to strangers. Don't take sweets from them. If someone in a car stops to ask for directions, stand well back, and if in doubt, scream and run as fast as your little legs can go.

We all heard it as children, when our parents were reluctantly releasing us into the big bad world on our own. We lived by those rules, mostly.

I know I did, I just didn't know how deeply those things had stuck in my mind. What makes me think of it today is something that happened to me on the way home from a friend's last night. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing threatening in the slightest.

I was getting into the lift to go home, when an older man (I'd say maybe in his early 70's, though I'm awful with ages) popped his head around his door and came out to say hello. I found it odd, especially since it was quite late, a little after midnight, but being the polite person that I am, I didn't immediately jump into the waiting lift and leave. He shook my hand, which is fine, but then wouldn't let it go. Naturally, I was uncomfortable with this. He chatted to me for a while, and I could tell he'd had a few, and since I'm not a fan of being around people who've been drinking (while sober!), I tried my damndest to get away from him. He invited me in to his apartment for coffee, and offered to show me the cowskin rug his ex-girlfriend had bought him. He then hastened to add, a few times, that there was no 'badness' meant by it, that he wasn't a dodgy guy.

I told him I was going home, he kissed my head (argh!) and finally let me leave. But it left me wondering. In today's society, where everyday there's some story or other about a rape, a murder, peadophiles etc, do we really see everyone as a threat? Was, who I'll admit I saw as a creepy old man, really just a lonely soul, reaching out for some company, a chat and a smile, maybe a few laughs, and no harm at all? The exchange only lasted roughly ten minutes, if even, but I actually felt threatened, and very uncomfortable.

I just think it's a sad way to be, and I doubt I'm the only person who feels like this. Long gone are the days of leaving the front door open for neighbours to pop around, of leaving car doors unlocked, of letting children out to play in the morning and only calling them back in the evenings, without checking in on them every five minutes. Have things gotten so bad that an older man can't stop to have a chat with a younger girl without her doubting and double doubting any ulterior motives he may have? Well...judging from how I felt in the situation, I guess they have. Pity that.

Hugely insignificant

I lied.

I'm not the same person I was this time last year, not even close. Speaking to a new friend, very candidly, and openly, last night, made me realise this. Well..it wasn't even so much the speaking, or even the subject, but simply the fact that I COULD speak about things, so easily and without doubt. This time last year, I couldn't have done that. I may have wanted to, and I may very well have needed to, but I wouldn't have.

The walls that I thought would rebuild themselves when I had nobody there anymore to break them and keep them down, are still, surprisingly, nowhere to be seen. I'm still not an open book, but I'm not bound as tightly.

I feel more at ease with myself. If I feel like crap, I'll let myself. In the same respect, if I feel awesome, that's ok too. Such a small thing to come to terms with, but it's taken me 21 years to get to it. Huge insignificant changes like that.

I lied.

I'm not the same person I was this time last year.

I'm better.

Unanswered Promises

Very little hurts as much as a broken promise. From someone else. From yourself. I made my promises, and I meant my promises. But now, I fear I just cannot keep my promises.

I made them mostly to myself, and I lived for them during the worst times. They were my motivation, they were the reason I made myself get out of bed in the morning, and function, as well as I could. But what do you do when you realise that you were possibly lying to yourself? That, as great as it sounded, what you were trying to do just wasn't as easy as you thought it would be, maybe not even as possible as you'd hoped it would be.

How do you build a new relationship from the broken foundations of the old one?

And, hand in hand with the promises that I fear I'm breaking, are all the questions that I can't ask. Questions that I don't want the answers to, because they won't be the ones I want to hear. Questions that don't need to be asked, because in asking them, old wounds are reopened.

It's the questions that do the damage. Answered, and unasked.

I don't know what the point of this post is, really. More half healing hearted ramblings I suppose.

Balancing act

Monday, 10th of May, 2010. The day when I stood between Life and Death, and finally, chose Life.


Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it really wasn't. I'm not the first, and I certainly wont be the last person to walk along that thin line between the two, and on a different day, I may have made a different decision.


I'm conflicted as to whether publishing this on my blog is a good idea. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't, that putting just how low, and how desperate I let myself feel out there is just showing a really weak part of myself that I don't want people to know about. Like I've said before, I'm supposed to be tough, I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to get over life's knocks, and keep on smiling throughout. I always have done before.


The other part of me is, in a strange way, proud of myself. I said no. Admittedly, only to myself, and there was nobody around to see it, but in my most desperate moment, when the world was only dark and cold, when I felt like I'd been rejected by everyone around me (and believe me, looking back now with different eyes, I know I hadn't, but I wasn't seeing clearly then), I still chose Life. When escape from the feelings I was having, those seemingly inescapable feelings, was just a few quick flicks of the wrist away, and I could see it, in my mind, how easy it would be, compared to how difficult going on would be, I still said no.


It's not much to be proud of. Staying, and dealing with myself, by myself, instead of taking the 'easy' option, and letting my loved ones deal with the aftermath. It's not much.


Strangely, since that day, the day when Nothing happened, I've gotten a lot more of myself back. The girl who I used to be, before the end, and before the beginning, is coming back. I let myself change over the year. I'm taking the blame fully, I changed, and it was my own doing. But now, I think I'm more like the girl I was this time last year. A year older, yes, and definitely a few years wiser.

Dream Journal - Entry #1

So, I've decided to start a dream journal, and the most natural place to do it seemed to be here, where I'm least likely to lose it, and where, hopefully, someone who knows something about dreams and how to analyse them MAY see it and shed some light on the mixed up visions in my head.

So, dream number one occurred the night of May 5th, 2010.

I'm in this big bargain shop, and I'm buying a toothbrush (which for some reason I try before buying, gross) and I'm looking for toothpaste, but they're charging like 16e for it so I refuse to buy it. There's a mirror that catches my eye, so I pick it up, bring it to the cashier, and despite it being marked 16.99e, he tries to charge me 60e for it. So I argue with him that he has to sell it at the price shown, regardless of value, he agrees, I happily take my purchases out to my car.

(I don't drive, so the fact that I have a car is strange. Explained by my desire to learn HOW to drive though)

So, I'm on the phone to someone who was very close to me once upon a time but isn't so close these days, but in the dream we still are. They're in my apartment, and I'm driving home to them. The store where I was shopping is, in reality, only about a five minute drive from my home. But for some reason, this drive was never ending. No matter how far I drove, I was not getting any closer to my home, or to this person.

As the dream progressed, I came to realise that for some reason, even though I was driving, and in the dream I was aware of how good at it I was, my gear stick was in the wrong place. On the wrong side. Which was how I came to realise that I was in the passenger seat of my car, driving along but not getting anywhere.

This is where the dream ends. I'm not a bit confused by it, more perplexed. I know the whole driving to someone but never getting any closer is how I feel in my relationship with someone right now, and, as easily as I could, I'm not getting into how I know this here. This blog has sadly ceased to be a place for COMPLETE honesty and openness.
The 'driving but in the passenger seat' to me reflects on how I've been feeling towards life lately, in the sense that I'm living for everyone but myself. It's hard for me to explain that theory, but it makes sense to me.

Anyway..I don't need any help in analysing this dream, because it makes a ridiculous amount of sense to me. I don't like it, and I don't like that I'm having dreams involving the subject, and any theories or advice on how to stop it would be very welcome!

Who's life is it anyway?

A thought struck me last night as I was on the way home from a night out with a close friend. It’s been with me since, and try as I might, I can’t shake it.

I’ve become increasingly aware that I live my life for the other people that are in it. I’m almost certain I’m not the only person to do this, but since I don’t want to presume, or generalise, I’m thinking about it in the first person, specifically.

Anything I do, or try, or think about, I apply to others. I want to do a dressmaking course, and while yes, partly, I want to do it so I can make lovely, pretty things for myself, the motivation behind it is making things for other people, so they can say ‘oh yeah, so and so made this, isn’t it great?’ and also just so I can say that I’ve done it, and wait for other’s reactions. This isn’t the only example of specific things, but I don’t have the inclination to list them all. It’s not narcicism on my part either, I think it’s a constant search for validation.

But it’s not just specific times in my life that I’ve found myself doing this. It’s how I live in general. I’m the type of person who likes, almost needs, to have someone else to revolve around, and to base my life around. It’s entirely unhealthy, unfair to myself, and unfair to whoever I find to act this way with. Because, unfortunately, life is unpredictable, and we can never know what’s around the next corner. So in the blink of an eye, the person or people you choose to revolve around are gone, and then where are you?

The frustrating part to this is, now that I’ve fully realised that this is how I am, what do I do to change it? How do you change a fundamental part of yourself? I’ve heard everything that can be said about it, I’ve said them all myself, and it makes for a great little speech, but how do you make yourself believe what you’re saying?

I’ve said it to people who’ve expressed the same kind of problem to me. I was very certain that the only way to live is to live for yourself, because surely if you can’t be happy by yourself, and with yourself, then you can’t fully be happy with anyone else because you’re depending on them to be your happiness, which is a terrible way to be because if and when that person leaves, as they are likely to do, then you’re back to the beginning and unhappy by, and with yourself again.
I know what I need to do is start doing things for myself, seeing the benefit things might have for ME and me only, and not for others. Not selfishly, if things I do benefit others in some roundabout way , then even better, but it shouldn’t be my only motivation.

But again, I have to ask. How do you do that?

How do I figure out how to live for myself?

Because, really, what’s the point otherwise

Knife edge..

People think I'm not the worrying type. By 'people', I mean my family, the ones that should know me best. They think I'm so laid back I'm almost horizontal, and I don't get worked up over things.

They're wrong. I just keep it to myself sometimes. Sometimes I can't, and it leads to episodes, with me freaking out and falling apart and needing to be put back together again.

I worry. I worry a lot, about a lot of things. At the moment though, what's at the front of my mind, is my mother. Tomorrow, she goes into hospital for surgery, on her throat. I'm ridiculously worried about her (not that she knows, or if she does, she doesn't acknowledge it...it's just not how we do things).

I'm trying to convince myself NOT to worry, that surely it's better for her to get this surgery NOW than further down the line when it could be worse, when it might be more painful or more difficult. That it's a good thing. That it'll make her better.

But it's SURGERY. In my head, it's big. I'm lucky in that I've never had to really deal with illness in my family. That's not that there has never been illness in my family but I was younger and didn't have to deal with it because I really didn't understand what was happening. Now, I do, all too much. I've never had to deal with proper, serious surgery though. It terrifies me, if I'm honest.

It's not just the seriousness of surgery that scares me, it's the person who's having it. My mother. It's no secret that my mother is my rock, my stability when anything and everything else is shaky or falling apart. I would be ill and go to hospital and have surgery or whatever ten times, a million times over, just so she wouldn't have to do it once. I'd rather take the risk of surgery than have her even have to contemplate it. I can deal with the thoughts of myself being seriously ill far easier than having to deal with her being ill. (I'm aware that there's something oddly selfish about that but hey, it's how I feel.)

I'd really like to just fast forward to a month from now, when, all going well (and all HAS to go well, it really just HAS to), she'll be home, and recovered, almost, if not completely, and everything can go back to normal, but with her well, and my biggest complaint being work again.

I'm not the religious type, so I'll be sending all my positive vibes to her. If you're the praying kind, please, keep her in your prayers. If you're not, then please, just even spare a positive thought for her, if you remember.

Finished Picture : Bambi and Fleur :)

Unframed, one for storing..

It's only history..

I love playing tourist. It's something I don't do often enough. Sadly, in the grand scheme of life, it's just not that important.

But today, I got to play tourist. My playground? Kilmainham Gaol.

I've been there before, of course, but as a child, and I really didn't understand what I was hearing, or seeing. Growing up, I was always told about Irish history, from 1916 on mostly, and so, had an interest in it. It was one of the only sections of history in school that held my attention. (I'm a firm believer of what's in the past should stay there, usually)

It was different today. Today, I fully understood what I was seeing, and where I was. Reading letters from long dead men to their wives, walking along the freezing, eerie corridors and peeking through the doors of the bare cells, I really got a sense of life back then. It was all too easy to visualise the awful conditions the prisoners were forced to deal with, sometimes for the pettiest of crimes.

Hearing names, and being told of events past, sitting in a warm classroom is one thing, but actually, physically seeing the names, seeing the cells, it's a completely different experience.

As I progressed around the Gaol, I watched the non-Irish visitors, seeing our history through new eyes, hearing about everything for the first time, and wondered what they thought. It's by no means a pleasant history, it's bloody, and violent. Nothing I heard was new to me, and what was interesting to me and captured me the first time I heard it, are the same things that captured me today. I have the same opinions on it, though perhaps a better understanding.

There are some definite tugs on the heartstrings as you walk around. The last words of men sentenced to death for fighting for what they believed in. A yard, an excercise yard, for children, some as young as 8, sentenced to months in prison for stealing a shawl to keep them warm. Cold, bare cells, where men, women, and children were forced to live for the smallest of crimes.

And of course, for anyone who's visited, I think they'll agree, the most memorable part of the tour is in the yard, where the executions happened. Two small crosses to mark where men lost their lives. It's colder here than in any other part of the prison, and the romantic part of me liked to believe it was the ghosts of the soldiers, still with us (you can blame the late hour for that one..)

It's OUR history. It can't be changed, and it can't be taken away from us. We take it for granted. But, when we have such places, on our doorsteps, to visit, and remember, it's such a shame not to.

Finished Picture : Faerie :)

Have done loads of pictures to date, have decided to stick pics up here when I'm done with them!

This is a faerie I made for my mum (cross-stitched)

Life is..

Simple pleasures

It's the simple things that I love the most. A warm bed, especially on a cold night, after a long day. A gossipy, giggly phone call that lasts hours. A hug from my mummy when I'm feeling sad. A picnic on the beach with my fantastic boyfriend.

I think we forget to take pleasure in the smaller things in life. Sure, the big gestures, the events, they're great, and they're lovely, but it's the smaller, everyday things that should make us smile. They're what we'd miss most if they were gone.

So, take pleasure in the simple things. Enjoy an embrace from a friend, a smile from a stranger, all those kinds of things. They're what make life bearable.

Happy Love Day

Here's hoping that anyone who celebrated Valentine's Day had a fantastic day, filled with love, laughter and smiles. I know I did.

Song of the week - Northern Downpour

If all our life is but a dream
Fantastic posing greed
Then we should feed our jewelry to the sea
For diamonds do appear to be
Just like broken glass to me

And then she said she can't believe
Genius only comes along
In storms of fabled foreign tongues
Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs
Northern downpour sends its love

Hey moon, please forget to fall down
Hey moon, don't you go down

Sugarcane in the easy mornin'
Weathervanes my one and lonely

The ink is running toward the page
It's chasin' off the days
Look back at boat feet
And that winding knee
I missed your skin when you were east
You clicked your heels and wished for me

Through playful lips made of yarn
That fragile Capricorn
Unraveled words like moths upon old scarves
I know the world's a broken bone
But melt your headaches, call it home

Hey moon, please forget to fall down
Hey moon, don't you go down

Sugarcane in the easy mornin'
Weathervanes my one and lonely
[x3]

Sugarcane (hey moon) in
(Hey moon) the easy mornin'
Weathervanes (hey moon) my
(Hey moon) one and lonely

Sugarcane (hey moon) in (hey moon)
The easy (hey moon) mornin'
Weathervanes (hey moon) my (hey moon)
One (hey moon) and lonely

[Continues in background:]
Sugarcane (hey moon) in (hey moon)
The easy (hey moon) mornin'
Weathervanes (hey moon) my (hey moon)
One (hey moon) and lonely

Hey moon, please forget to fall down
Hey moon, don't you go down
You are at the top of my lungs
Drawn to the ones who never yawn

Good morning, sunshine..

'Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.'

Word of the week? Positivity. Too much of our time is spent having negative thoughts. I'm a culprit of this. I am possibly the most negative person I know.

It is so much easier to be negative. Positivity takes up so much more energy, because it's harder to do. A frown will always come before a smile. A shake before a nod. A sigh before a laugh.

But this negativity has such an impact, on me, and the people around me. I've seen this, and it's not fun to watch. Pessimistic by nature, I will always see the dark side of everything, and be swallowed by it, if I let myself.

But if I expect the worst, that's all I'll get, right? If I expect disappointment, then how can I ever be anything but disappointed? Negativity breeds negativity.

So, from now on, it's yes, instead of no. It's light instead of dark. Hopefully.

outlook

'For everything you have missed, you have gained something else ; and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It is about your outlook towards life.

You can either regret or rejoice.'

(via debsylee's posterous )

Ch-ch-ch-changes

As we get older, and our lives move forward, naturally, inevitably, we encounter changes. Some big, some small, some that alter us completely, and some that don't have any impact at all.

I've been through some changes in the last 6 months or so, and while some are great (new place to live, new relationship starting to form with the paternal, a new romance..), some are not so..(loss of friends, distancing of some relationships, etc etc).

Like I said before, these changes are probably just part of life's natural progression. After all, if nothing changed, then everything would stay the same and we'd never move forward, right?

But recently, I've started to notice a change in myself, and I really don't like it. I'm a much more negative person than I was maybe a year ago. I don't find the fun in things as easily, I find myself getting irked regularly, over the tiniest of things. I don't like it, and, as hard as I try to fight it, I can't seem to get a hold on it. I've voiced these concerns, and been told that I haven't changed as much as I think I have, but there's a little voice in my head saying 'yes you have!! mwahaha you havvveee!'

There's much more I could say about this, and lots more that I want to say, but I feel this isnt an appropriate place...so this'll do. A weak attempt at my first personal blog post since christmas, but hey, ya gotta start somewhere!

101 Things

So, from 3 things, to 101 things. Bit of a jump, but here goes. I can't promise this'll be interesting, but it'll be informative..

1. I am an only child.

2. I had 3 step-sisters for about a year, but not anymore.

3. I have 4 tattoos (or 6, depending on how you look at it..) with plans for more.

4. I don't like my job, but refuse to leave.

5. I'm quite a solitary person at times, and just need to be left alone.

6. I, apparently, have strangely flexible legs, and the way I sit freaks a lot of people out.

7. One of my 'party tricks' is bending the tips of all of my fingers, at the same time, without touching them.

8. I can cook about 4 dishes, and refuse to learn anymore, as I hate cooking.

9. I have had blue hair, pink hair, red hair, black hair, auburn hair, and brown hair.

10. I started learning to read at age 2, and am still a bookworm to this day.

11. I read, on average, about 3 books a week.

12. I aspire to be an ice skater, despite being scarily clumsy, and having a hatred of ice (and no rhythm)

13. I hate my upper arms, so wear a cardi with everything

14. I love vampires more than a person should.

15. I cannot stand the sight of blood, it makes me feel faint and want to be sick.

16. The same goes for puke.

17. I sing, constantly.

18. I'm a complete twitter-aholic, I'm only short of sleep-tweeting.

19. I love my mummy more than anyone else in the world.

20. I have more girl crushes than boy crushes.

21. I'm a total Gleek

22. I'm the messiest person ever.

23. I speak in a culchie accent a lot of the time, without meaning to.

24. I have a thing for foreign languages. They make me go all weak at the knees.

25. I am terrified of children. I just don't know what to make of them.

26. I am also terrified of leprechauns.

27. I have no huge dreams of getting married, but I have my bridal party's outfits and my dress designed, in detail, in my head.

28. Similarly, I am terrified of children, but I have my baby names picked out.

29. I am extremely insecure.

30.My middle names are Sarah-Marie and for years, I wanted to change my name to that.

31. All three dogs that I have owned in my past were declared 'gorgeous' but 'cracked' by their vets.

32. I have to have access to the time, at ALL times. I don't always have to know it, but if I don't have a way of finding out, I freak out.

33.I have an intense dislike for Cavan and Louth.

34.The only plant I have never successfully killed is my cactus, Rosalie.

35.I name everything, including my tongue bar (it's called Oscar)

36.The worst thing (apart from like..murder) that I think someone can do to you is cheat on you. I have absolutely no forgiveness for this, at all.

37. I have a bad habit of not saying what I think, and dwelling on it.

38. I get pissed off very easily, and then forget about it quickly.

39. But I do hold grudges, and once I have a grudge with someone, it is nearly impossible for me to forget about it.

40.I hate, loathe, and detest feet. Even my own. Well, one of them, one is acceptable.

41. I dislike cigarettes, and smoking, but do resort to it when very stressed.

42. I have a scar on my forehead, that I got when I smacked my head off concrete years ago. I grew my fringe over it to cover it.

43. Among my biggest pet peeves are: Text speak, spitting, and self important people.

44.I cannot swim, and am terrified to learn. My biggest fear is drowning.

45. I also cannot ride a bike, use rollerskates, or drive. Wheels and I don't get on very well.

46. I danced in an Irish bollywood film once. I was not seen in the finished film, thank goodness!

47. I cannot give away, or throw away, books. It's wrong, and makes the baby Jesus cry.

48. I used to attend Irish dancing lessons but quit after a few weeks because the teacher 'hit' me (and I wasn't really very good at it) I only joined to get the shoes.

49. I am a strong believer in Karma, and HAVE seen it at work.

50. I also believe in mediums, and fortune tellers. Which can be a very bad thing, sometimes.

51. I'm very easily stressed.

52. I'm also easily scared, and am constantly scaring myself.

53. I always feel slightly conceited when I say I live in a penthouse :/

54. I get far too involved in other people's dramas.

55. I'm very loyal.

56. I'm finding it very difficult to find 101 things to say about myself, never mind 101 INTERESTING things.

57. I cannot stand birds, especially pigeons. Unfortunately, they always seem to find me, and attack.

58. I get easily obsessed with things.

59. I hate all vegetables, apart from sugar snap peas (my limit is 5) - they make me gag.

60. I love writing, and can spend hours making up stories.

61. I far prefer actual pen to paper letters than e-mails or texts.

62. I love getting post - even if it's junk mail.

63. Everyday, I get a little bit more like my mother, and I actually don't mind.

64. I have a very dirty sense of humour, and can find filth in almost anything.

65. I constantly find myself chatting to myself while walking. And arguing.

66. The first medal I got in school was for playing the recorder. A skill I failed to maintain once I left.

67. I can spend hours sewing pictures - my current one is a faerie for my mother.

68. My socks never match.

69. I just laughed at the number 69.

70. I get urges to go to the beach at the oddest of times, but never do.

71. I constantly read things on failbook or sites like that and think 'ha that's something I'd do!'

72. I get excited when I see secrets that I identify with on Postsecret.

73. I trust people until they give me a reason not to, instead of having them earn it.

74. One of my biggest flaws is putting walls up between myself and other people.

75. I hate my nose.

76. I have a strange habit of thinking I'm in Dublin, even when I'm not in Ireland. Example - I was in Paris once, but in my head, I was still in Dublin, (and yes, everyone was speaking french..)

77. I once had a murderous hamster, called Jemima. She murdered her hamster husband, Jerry, in a fit of passion one night, and ripped out his eye.

78. I asked my mother if Santa was real, and was devastated when she told me the truth. I was 11 at the time...

79. My parents told me that all of my dead pets (hamsters and goldfish) were buried at the Pope's Cross in the Pheonix Park. Only recently have I been able to come to terms with the fact that they lied.

80. When listening to music, I have a strange habit of pretending I'm the person singing, and picturing myself as them, on stage. This is not gender specific.

81. I have a tendancy to make up words, and not realise I've done it.

82. I have no knowledge of dublin geography, despite having lived here all my life.

83. I say the words 'actually' , 'basically', 'stress', 'rage', and 'sadface' way too much. Basically.

84. My favourite fairground ride is the Waltzers, I adore them.

85. I would love to have a pet lion or tiger.

86. I once, successfully, convinced my supervisor to let me have a 'chipstick break', because everyone else was getting smoke breaks.

87. Everytime a Guard walks into my workplace, I'm convinced they're there to arrest me. I'm not guilty of any crimes.

88. I almost turned myself nocturnal the summer I was 16.

89. I love bruises, and get stupidly excited when I get one.

90. I refuse to open presents in front of people.

91. I once had a birthday cake with 2 penises on it. They were subsequently eaten by two of the only males at the party.

92. I was once told I'd make a great lesbian, if I wasn't straight.

93. I swear too much.

94. I often get referred to as 'Diz', 'Dizzy', or 'Daisy'. Daisy is a childhood nickname from my mother, and also my favourite flower. Dizzy is just how I am ;)

95. One of my tattoos is a swirly anklet, ending with a daisy. The anklet was to represent some of my favourite books, the daisy was for my mother.

96. I'm very shy when I meet new people, which unfortunately can be seen as being stand-offish.

97. I'm very good at pretending to like people I don't.

98. I used to know all of Steps' dance routines. Shamed.

99. I'm getting very excited to be nearing the end of this list.

100. I've been known to be slightly overdramatic.

101. I have no intention of EVER doing a list like this again.

3 Things..

So, in an attempt to get me back to the blog, The Jelly Monster has tagged me in a 3 Things Meme. I hate Meme's, but I hate making her sad even more, so here goes. Sigh.


1. 3 things you love in your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Husband/Wife.
(do I tick where applicable? :P )

Ok..I don't do soppy, especially NOT on my blog, but (and these may not be the things I love most)..
I love how he never seems to lose his patience, or his temper with me, even though I'd try the patience of a saint at the best of times, and can be a right stroppy cow for no reason.
His dedication to things, and how, if he sets his mind to something, he'll get it done, regardless of how many distractions might be thrown in his way (ahem..none by me, of course)
And, just for cutes, his oh-so-adorable dimples! (he may kill me if he reads this..bwahaha)
They're the first things that came to mind, and, for the record, I don't agree with listing the ways you love someone.

3 things you love in a friend.

Ok, firstly, being able to be ridiculously silly, and have them join in, instead of looking at you like you're a few sammichs short of a picnic. If you can't be a loon with your friends, who can ya be a loon with, eh?
Complete honesty - if I look like shit, tell me. In the same respect, if I look awesome, tell me that too. If I'm acting like a monster, slap me back into place.
Being able to respect my space, and not need to constantly be there. I'm a solitary person at times, and like to shut out the world. Can't be dealing with someone who's all up in your face 24/7.

3 things you love in a book.
Only three??? Ok..

A good ending. I know it's cliched, but I hate reading a book, and feeling like you've been ripped off. Tie up the loose ends, and give me a happy ending, dammit. Unless it's a series of books, then, they have to end on a cliff-hanger. Otherwise, what's the point.

The new worlds they create. I love picking up a book and feeling physically unable to put it down until I've read every last word. And that feeling of coming back to earth when you've finished.
And strangely...the dependability of a book. The story is never going to change, no matter how long you have it, or how often or little you read it.

3 things you love in a movie

Humour...but proper, intelligent humour, none of this 'man gets hit by shovel, man falls down, oh how funny' lark. No, some sarcasm, one liners, and clever jokes, please.
Happy endings...nothing feels better than a happy ending in a film, it's just so satisfying.
And of course, just to be shallow, a totally hot leading man / lady (I'm not fussy when it comes to my eye candy ;P)

3 things you love in a blog.

Humour - again, if a blog can make me laugh, or even crack a smile, I'll be more likely to return. I don't wanna read a blog that bores me.
Also, I wanna get an idea of the writer when I read a blog. Put some of your own personality into it! If I think I'll like you, just from reading your blog, that's a good thing!
Readability. Long passages in blogs are gonna put me right off. Keep it snappy, if I'm reading it, I probably don't have much time to read essays, I wanna know what you're saying, and quickly.
(that's just what I like, by no means am I saying that they're the only things that make a blog enjoyable)

3 things you love to talk about

Work - I love getting the chance to moan about my day!
Films and books - Especially books that have been made into films...
Myself and the people around me

3 things you love to do in your free time


Sleep (exciting, ooh)
Read or watch DVDs - either alone or with company
Sew (yes, I am an old woman, masquerading as a 21 year old)

3 things you love to eat/drink.

Coke (I have a serious problem, but I'm working to get it under control)
Chicken (they say you are what you eat. I hope not - I'm terrified of birds!)
Soup!

3 things you would love to happen in your life.

To find my dream, and make it come true.
To see everyone I love set up for life, truly happy, and loved. That would, in turn, make me happy.
To wake up one day and have turned into Hayley Williams (or at least LOOK like her!)


I'm not going to tag anyone, but it's actually not a bad meme, so sure, give it a try! It'll kill 15 minutes, if nothing else!